I’ve tried to write this article a few times, but I can’t really work out how to start it. I also really don’t have the spoons to write this whole story out again, so I am going to copy and paste the whole thing from elsewhere. So some of you might have already read it.
Emil and I have called it off after 2 years and 10 months. He was visiting Melbourne this week to attend a demoscene party (which I refer to as NerdFest) so we at least call it quits in person. Here is how it happened:
Friday, 16 November 2012 at 4:52:00 PM
He has told me that he’s met someone else. A girl he works with. She likes him and he likes her back.
I am still going to see him tomorrow.
But I guess I will come back from seeing him, with him not my Second Boyfriend anymore.
My heart hurts.
Sandy, the aurora is rising behind us
This pier lights our carnival life forever
Oh love me tonight and I promise I’ll love you forever
Saturday, 17 November 2012 at 10:38:00 PM
I rolled up at NerdFest today at the pre-agreed time of 5pm. Mark dropped me off. I went upstairs, was immediately greeted by a nice guy who I don’t know, and he asked me if I was there for NerdFest. I said I was, and that I was meeting my friend but that it didn’t seem like he was here. Nice Guy suggested I look downstairs so I did but he wasn’t there either. I went back out onto the street and got my phone out. There was a Gtalk message there from Emil saying that he is really sick and hadn’t yet made it out of the house, and would let me know if/when he was going to be leaving.
I rang him but he didn’t answer his phone, so instead we talked a bit on Gtalk and I rang Mark who immediately came back to pick me up. Thankfully, the venue for NerdFest was only in the next suburb from ours, so it wasn’t a far trip for him at all.
I got home and got straight into bed fully clothed (still had my boots on) and spent two hours laying there and crying and obsessively checking my phone. I sent Emil a message saying that I would really like to talk to him face to face because I didn’t want to leave it like this and then we had a short conversation where he agreed we needed to talk and suggested that we could meet tomorrow (Sunday). So hopefully that will be something he can do. He’s very sick (has had gastro, a chest infection and conjunctivitis this week alone) and I certainly don’t want him to over-exert himself because he’s got a chronic health problem that means that when he gets sick he gets very very sick. His immune system is kind of rubbish.
After that I felt a bit better and went out with Mark to get a bit of food (I sad-drank two bottles of wine with my best friend Kylie last night and felt too sick and nervous to eat all day today, so I was pretty hungry), and then I curled up on the couch and watched a bunch of episodes of Parks and Recreation.
I feel confident that he and I can sort this out. Truth be told, he seems very confused. The way we were talking yesterday, it seemed to me (and also to Kylie when she read our Gtalk conversation) like he likes this girl but is not sure he can commit to a full-time relationship. So I am sure we’ll work something out tomorrow.
Either way, whatever happens, I can’t control it. This is his decision to make and it would break my heart if we were to go our separate ways but there’s no point stressing about things that I can’t control. When I started seeing him almost 3 years ago – and more particularly when he moved interstate – I knew deep down that our arrangement couldn’t last forever, even if the dreamer in me wanted to believe that it would.
But whatever happens from here, will happen.
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
– Cosmic Love, Florence and the Machine
Sunday, 18 November 2012 at 3:17:00 AM
So it’s three in the morning and I have been trying to sleep since midnight. I am currently up and drinking a cup of sleepytime tea.
Tomorrow I am going to see him – provided he doesn’t bail on me again (which is a very real fear). I simply cannot let him go back to Sydney without sorting this out. I can’t. If he goes back to Sydney before I’ve spoken to him about this, we’re never going to get to talk about it and I am never going to get to say my piece and nor is he.
I will not let it end like this. I will not.
My heart aches. My body is tired. My eyes hurt from all the crying I have done these last two days. My brain is zooming. I cannot settle. I cannot sleep. I want to scream in sadness and frustration. If it wasn’t 3am I would put my runners on and go out and just run and run.
I am trapped in the house. I am trapped in my mind. I can’t talk to Mark about this – not as frankly as I would want – because I hate to burden him with this. It’s not his battle to fight. I want to hit myself in the head with a hammer just to feel something other than misery and fear.
I honestly have no idea what’s going to happen. Our conversation yesterday was not illuminating. Half of me thinks he was just telling me about this girl to be honest with me, because honesty is my thing, and because I have been very up front about that in the whole time he and I have been seeing each other. That part of me also thinks that he won’t pursue anything with her, because he was giving me more reasons why he wouldn’t, than reasons why he would. He also asked me not to freak out, which Kylie thought might have meant that he wasn’t planning to deliver me any bad news. The other half of me feels like I am dumped, and he started off delivering the news in that unsure manner because he wanted to soften the blow. The worst part is not knowing. I was meant to find out today and I still haven’t – another night of waiting and wondering and crying in the dark.
She works with him, so she’s probably smarter than me. She probably understands all the tech stuff he says – stuff that when he says it to me I just nod and smile and try to look pretty because I don’t understand. She’s probably skinnier (he did say that she spent all her spare time at the gym), and more his type than I am.
I want to jam a fork into her eyeball. NOT SO PRETTY NOW, ARE YA, BITCH?
I don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen. I don’t like not being able to control my feelings. And the idea that I might never see his face again absolutely breaks my heart.
I have never been dumped before. And what’s frustrating is that I don’t even know if I AM dumped. He’s the third man I have ever dated more than once, and the second I have ever loved.
I don’t know what I am supposed to do without him in my life.
Sunday, 18 November 2012 at 2:36:00 PM
Going out in 30 minutes to go see him at NerdFest and get all this sorted. I am composed. I am confident. I am wearing waterproof mascara.
Sunday, 18 November 2012 at 5:35:00 PM
I am now in possession of only one boyfriend.
Will write more when I have my wits about me.
Monday, 19 November 2012 at 10:56:00 PM
Yesterday I went out to NerdFest to see him again. I hadn’t eaten anything (again), because I felt so utterly sick to my stomach that I was sure I would throw up if I tried to eat anything.
Mark dropped me off in North Melbourne again and I bravely went back to NerdFest. Spotted Emil immediately, and went and sat down next to him. He looked around at me, smiled broadly and said “You look lovely”.
I nearly cried right then but managed to pull myself together and he showed me the cool animation he was working on. It looked rad and I was very proud of him.
After about an hour at NerdFest we bailed across the road to have a coffee and a talk. He put his arm around me as we walked. I felt safe, comfortable and very well loved. He told me I smelled nice, and that I looked lovely, and that my dress reminded him of a Starfleet uniform (which was the reason I bought it in the first place).
We sat down in the coffee place and that’s where my verbal diarrhoea started. I just gibbered at him. About cake, about coffee, about sad-drinking two bottles of wine on Friday night, about crying in the dark in my bed with my boots still on. I just gibbered. It was like I was filibustering. It was like, if I just talked about every topic that popped into my head, he’d never be able to tell me he was dumping me.
He did the same thing – he chatted about his conjunctivitis last week, told me all about having gastro the week before that, we talked about computers and about his job. Anything to delay talking about what we actually had to talk about.
I drank my coffee and ate my cake slower than any human has ever consumed those two items. I knew that as soon as we were finished those drinks he’d have to go and I just didn’t want him to go. I didn’t want it to be the end.
He told me that he was sad that his new lady wasn’t into non-monogamy. I told him that made me sad too. He then said that I wasn’t to think of this as me being dumped, or as us breaking up, but more as just him putting us on pause so he could explore something new.
And that’s fair enough. I can’t expect him to tread water with me for his whole life. For all the time we’ve been together he’s been very adamant that marriage and children and all that stuff is not what he wants. From the very beginning he said that to me, and I agreed. Our arrangement worked. But if he’s changed his mind and he now wants to see what it would be like to explore long-term monogamy, that’s not something I can EVER be in a position to provide to him. And I would certainly never want to stop him from going for what he wants, even if it’s not me.
I smiled at him and told him that he was amazing in bed and that this new lady better appreciate how good he is in bed and how amazing and kind he is and how beautiful his skin and his lips are and how generous and handsome he is. I told him that if she didn’t, he could refer her to me and I would set her straight. He laughed, and told me he was flattered and I told him that I wasn’t trying to flatter him, that I was telling him the truth.
He was dubious that things would work out with the new girl – everything about how he was talking about her, about the situation, gave me that impression. And I know he wasn’t just softening his language to spare my feelings. He seemed genuinely confused about why I was so upset, and promised me that it really wasn’t going to be goodbye – just a short break.
After we finished our coffee and shared the last few bites of my cake, we went out into the street. We walked up a little bit and then he turned to face me. He took both my hands in his hands and smiled at me, then we hugged each other so tightly I thought I was going to suffocate.
And then I kissed him, and I kissed him. And I touched his face, trying to remember the feel of him, what his thick beard stubble felt like against my hands, against my cheeks, pressed up against my neck as he kissed me. What his soft skin felt like in my hands. What his big soft lips felt like as I pressed mine against them. I don’t ever want to forget what he feels like.
I wrapped my arms around him and I didn’t want to let go. I knew that when I did, that would be it. I would let go of him and we’d walk away from each other in different directions, and that would be that. No more 12 hour bus rides to Sydney. No more climbing into his bed at 7am after getting off the bus, and feeling him snuggle into me and sigh contentedly. No more nights spent in glamorous hotels in Melbourne, enjoying each other’s company.
Then, I had to walk away. I stole one more kiss, smiled at him as one tear rolled down my face, touched his cheek one last time, and he said “Love you, talk to you online,” and I said “of course!” and practically ran away from him because I knew I was seconds away from completely losing it.
I looked back once.
I can’t believe he’s really gone. I feel so empty.